let that be enough

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

:switchfoot:

gave me a good laugh

jeremiah's bitterness (wed.'s bible study notes)

These are my notes from bible study this past Wed night. We've been going through Jeremiah and it might be one of my favorite studies I've done. There's so much I'm learning, and I thought I'd share the few notes I jotted down. Sorry if they seem disjointed or scattered! (passage first, notes @ bottom)



Jeremiah 15:15-21 NKJV

15 O LORD, You know; Remember me and visit me, And take vengeance for me on my persecutors. In Your enduring patience, do not take me away. Know that for Your sake I have suffered rebuke. 16 Your words were found, and I ate them, And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; For I am called by Your name, O LORD God of hosts. 17 I did not sit in the assembly of the mockers, Nor did I rejoice; I sat alone because of Your hand, For You have filled me with indignation. 18 Why is my pain perpetual And my wound incurable, Which refuses to be healed? Will You surely be to me like an unreliable stream, As waters that fail?
19 Therefore thus says the LORD:
“ If you return, Then I will bring you back; You shall stand before Me; If you take out the precious from the vile, You shall be as My mouth. Let them return to you, But you must not return to them. 20 And I will make you to this people a fortified bronze wall; And they will fight against you, But they shall not prevail against you; For I am with you to save you And deliver you,” says the LORD. 21 “ I will deliver you from the hand of the wicked, And I will redeem you from the grip of the terrible.”

- Jeremiah's bitterness in v. 18: "Will you surely be to me like an unreliable stream?"
- Jeremiah's bitterness: he wanted to live long enough to be vindicated- to see the people judged, see them punished.
- He makes a case for himself in v. 17: "I did not sit in the assembly of the merry-makers."
- Bitterness stems from the expectation that we deserve better- that things should be different than how we are. (This is a gross misunderstanding of the person of God, His sovereignty)
- God keeps His promises. Jeremiah was expecting something that He had not promised.
- We need to be careful that our expectations of God are justified by Scripture. He will never fail to fulfill those.
- We cannot justify bitterness and a wrong attitude, no matter our circumstances. Sometimes we even expect compassion and think God is on our side.
- After all of this, God calls Jeremiah to repentance in verses 19-21.
- Jeremiah was confusing God's Word with his own desires. (Verse 19- take the precious with the vile)

peanut butter and jazz

here's my brother's piano solo at the john coltrane jazz workshop. enjoy!

travelz

here i am, writing from jackie's house in GA.
i love kennesaw/ atlanta. just not the traffic. :)
going home tomorrow, looking forward to seeing jess again, who's back home again. and joshua radin on FRIDAY. yep.

iron sharpening iron? a rarity.

wowed

today i am amazed by what i have been given. not material things but salvation, actually.
i can't imagine not having had the holy spirit intervene in my life. i don't like thinking about me being without that. completely and utterly depraved would be a good way to describe what that would be like. despair, in fact.
seeing someone very lost and very in need of that intervention, which can't be given by me, is heartbreaking.
the only good thing is that i am that much more aware of my own depravity and His sole capability. not mine. that's really really hit home today.

For by GRACE you have been saved through faith, and that NOT of yourselves; it is the GIFT of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

- Eph 2:8-9

bizzy bizzy bizzy

what's the formula for a good time?
Four girls+vintage shopping+coffee
That's it.
So that was fun, and I've definitely been busy lately. Working at the pregnancy care center is the hugest blessing in the world. And I can already tell that the Lord is really orchestrating that collaboration. The women there have blessed me so much. And I've already learned so much being there as little as I have.
I can also tell people are praying for this ministry. It's amazing to see. And I'm trying to do that more and more myself. Seeing the prayerfulness of others around me, not just at GPCC but in others too, my mom, etc., has really encouraged me to pray for others more.
If I have a burden for someone or for something in the world, I need to take that and be proactive and pray.
So that's it for now. I have to go and try to get some sleep. My sleeping schedule has been really messed up lately.

Coming up soon:
- Eavan's birthday!
- Leanne's wedding in Tallahassee next weekend

mad world

this song is a remake of a tears for fears song.
it was featured on the donnie darko soundtrack.
there's this strong, haunting paradox between the music, which is so beautiful, and the words, which are so despairing.
actually, it may be the most nihilistic song i've heard... maybe.

what's new

one or two people i know check up on me through this blog, so i thought i'd shoot out the latest with me health-wise...

no more stem cell study- i've had kind of a rough last couple of weeks, so waiting on a study in which i could possibly get the placebo is out of the question for now.
consequently, i've been put on a higher dose of prednisone, an antibiotic, and we're also starting humira again. i'll be doing those injections every week this time around instead of every other week. and the bump up in pred. (no matter how much i hate it...ha) is definitely taking the edge off of the symptoms i've been having :)

so there's that, and i'd also just like to say that we're having a blast of a girls' week here at the bardsley casa, with dad and jes off in nashville at camp electric. jes being tutored by musicians from pillar, newsboys, etc. is really incredible. and from the text messages i've been getting from him via dad's cell, i think he's loving it!

ah yes, recently saw wall-e... you should too. not my favorite ever, but definitely worth it.

wake up

to me and to any other reader(s),
you are so blessed. thank Him because there is so much to thank Him for. At the very basic of basics, He has provided and He has redeemed.

phil 4

11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[b] who strengthens me.

[wow]

"If you tell me there was something good in my books, in the movie, talks, and deeds, then I want you to know the praise is for Jesus, not me. All the honor is due Him. He was victor, He is victor, and He will be victor. He never gives in and we two will win, Jesus and I- Jesus and Corrie Ten Boom..."

-Corrie Ten Boom

compromise

i have come to the conclusion that compromise is the biggest problem we face right now as christians.
i've also come to the conclusion that the antithesis of that- boldness- is the most honorable, the rarest of qualities of not just people, but christians.
all i'd like to see in the church is total truth, the straight up word of God taught to its people.... but we get the emergent church movement.
all i'd like to see is a pres. candidate who is pro-life, anti-terror, pro-small government, and pro-capitalism... but we get john mccain.
even the democrats prefer barack obama to hilary clinton because SHE is the one who chooses to compromise, pleading to her more conservative voters that she supported the war but wants an exit strategy, while obama is as liberal as they get, with no apologies. good for him- at least he's honest.
as far as the church is concerned, i couldn't be sadder that so many in the body of Christ feel the need to advertise christianity, make it flashy.
Hebrews 4:12- "The Word of God is living and active..."
IF our confidence is not in Christ and the infallibility of His Word, so that we need to make it more attractive with our own flowery expression, if we think we need to doctor up the Gospel to make it more appealing, then we are sadly mistaken. we won't "win" people over that way. and we're not doing the Gospel any justice by selling our own brand of it.
so in the same way that mccain's brand of 50% conservatism isn't going to win many votes, flowery half-wise christianity won't convert that many either.
people respect the virtuous and those not willing to compromise...
and wisdom and truth prevail over a shifting paradigm...

I'll leave you with this somewhat related quote:
"The good is always the enemy of the best." - Oswald Chambers

sunshine.... hopefully

here's hoping florida can give us some sun this week.
my fam and i are leaving this friday for vero beach/ palm bay/ orlando. i'm definitely looking forward to seeing family i haven't seen in too long... and seeing the ocean again!
i've been overwhelmed with new music lately, mostly european artists, actually...

current favorite tracks:

badly drawn boy: once around the block (this one's been playing constantly)
phoenix: run run run
sondre lerche: to be surprised

i discovered sondre lerche by watching dan in real life, my new second-favorite-movie. he does all of the music in that film. funny thing- i also discovered badly drawn boy after seeing about a boy, number-one-favorite-movie

also, the new death cab album is stellar
looking forward to coldplay's new stuff in a couple weeks
very much looking forward to mute math's new album in the fall/winter of course, especially after getting little hints at it from their blog etc.

one last note:
can't tell you what a blessing it is to be back at my church. i can't get enough teaching right now, and i've been motivated to be more prayerful. i'm more content that way.

**i know some of you guys are within reach, so let's hang after next week, ok?
ok.

lyrics

all that's in my head is in Your hands
if it's in my head then it's in Your hands

...from Switchfoot

for those who'd like to know

ok here's the latest:

have i mentioned the study at duke in my blog yet? i'd rather not go back thru posts to see, so here's the basic idea...
since it seems that i cannot go back on remicade and risk a possibly fatal reaction even worse than the last one, we've run out of options other than steroids to keep things stable for me.
therefore, i have been given the option to be part of a clinical study at duke for patients with Crohn's who haven't seen remission from other treatments.
the study involves me receiving adult stem cells thru an IV drug known as Prochymal. this is kind of a step down from an actual stem cell transplant, which would entirely reboot my immune system but unfortunately involves rounds of chemo along the way, so i ruled that out as even a possibility (even though it may be the closest possible thing to a cure for Crohn's).
anyway, i hope that gives some idea of what i'll be attempting. i am praying and hoping that this study is effective, especially since i have a 1 in 3 chance of getting the placebo, and therefore getting no treatment at all.
wow, it's been one roller coaster of a year with this stuff.
i'd really appreciate prayers this summer, hoping that this time, we see success.
i'll be seeing my doctor and the nurse involved in the study on monday, and the screening process will begin.
i'll post an update later.

looking forward to being back at my church tomorrow!

and being home in general.

stuck

i should have left for home yesterday, just after graduation.
but there were too many fun grad parties.
i should have left for home this morning.
but there are storms and hail and tornadoes all along I-40.

so i'm leaving bryan college tomorrow morning, at the same time our chamber singers are leaving for LA (i'm completely jealous.)

yesterday was bittersweet. seeing my friends graduate was wonderful, but i can't say how much i'll miss them. i had a few tears last night, but i really have been given a certain measure of contentment, warding off my bad attitude. :)

:can't wait to be with my family:

ironic answer to the question i posed

so in my last post, i asked everyone to guess where i got the title, and it was from a steely dan song, one of my favorites.
and ironically enough, it was performed tonight by the brady bunch, um, i mean the american idols...

reelin' in the years

so here i am, in the computer lab working on a presentation for 8am and even though i could wish i were someplace else at this moment and someplace else altogether, i don't. whether i'm going through trials or just trudging through the mundane, i'd so like to be where paul was when he said "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." (Phil. 4:11-12)

maybe i haven't fully learned the lesson of contentedness, but i have learned that it is something i must re-learn- on a regular basis.

so just a few more days of classes here at bryan, a couple finals, and i'm home free until my final semester.
graduation in december is not a tragedy. nor is missing the senior cruise because my dr. forbade it. there is a wonderful feeling of peace and, actually, contentedness, that i can't explain with my own honorable intentions. i am thankful for that and the fact that i have been spared the bad attitude i expected from my self and have found that He can give me much more instead.

off to persevere through this mad, mad week...

ps- anyone who recognizes the reference i made in the title of this post wins major points...

:even then:

ben stein's "expelled"

I drove home this past weekend and stopped in Greensboro on my way to Burlington to see Ben Stein's new film "Expelled" at the new Four Seasons movie theatre. The new theatre was incredible, but "Expelled" was even more surprisingly good.
I definitely don't want to spoil it for any of you, but I will say that Stein's approach to the Darwinisn vs. Intelligent design to debate had a lot of worldview thinking intertwined within.
For example, at Bryan we talk a lot about how our worldview affects our actions, but that many people actually allow their actions to determine their worldview... Hm.
And in Stein's film, he confronted many Darwinist scientists with the fact that their preconceptions (especially concerning the possibility of a Creator) going into the debate over evolution vs. intelligent design actually determined their conclusion even before argument or proof was presented.
Well, that's not very scientific, is it?
Anyway, go see the movie. It will make you think.


http://www.expelledthemovie.com/

things and other things

Yes, I watch American Idol.
And yes, I even watched bits and pieces of last week's "Idol Gives Back."
But I think the most shocking part of that night was not Michael Johns' elimination, but the fact that the top 8 sang "Shout to the Lord" that evening...
Sure, it was inspirational week. (by the way, what exactly does inspirational mean? one can be "inspired" by any number of things- not necessarily spiritual things)
so the idols dressed appropriately in all white belted out their version, or the producer's version of the song which included a new opening line: "My Shepherd, my Savior," as opposed to "My Jesus, my Savior." Hmmm... trying to make things more appealingly postmodern, aren't we?

I was pleasantly surprised that they were even bold enough to sing such a song, but somewhat disappointed that the name of Jesus was left out.
You see, my entire philosophy is that I have no high expectations, so even hearing them perform a worship song at all was encouraging. Cool.

Right on, AI. Or at least a step in the right direction.

Watch the performance

** in other news, i have papers upon papers to write, new music i've been listening to, and waiting with great anticipation for the movie BELLA to be released on dvd...

reminder:

He is constant.

Lam 3

more and more i need You now/ i owe You more each passing hour

this year, easter comes at a strange time for my family and me.
with my grandad in the hospital at the age of 89, in the state he's in, is difficult for us right now. mom and dad have spent days and nights there with him, and it's pretty taxing to say the least. i haven't been there; today i stayed home with eavan while mom and jes went. while the rest of the family was at the hospital, we prayed for his health, but mostly for his heart, for his soul. he remains an angry person, continuing to reject Christ, even mock any mention of Him, of the gospel. please pray for him...

so why did He pick me? i am completely wretched; i want to do what i want to do, all the time. i am given the opportunity to choose His way, but more often i choose my own. and of course, i always seem to think i know better than anyone else, even better than the One who knows me better than i know myself.
so why would He condescend to pull me out of my own sin and bless me with truth? as a result, i have a relationship with the Creator of the universe. not only that, but He took on all the shame that i deserve. wow.

hey, He is risen. that joy overflows within me, and it is my responsibility to live accordingly!
*

romans 6:
8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, 9 knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. 10 For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. 11 Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. 13 And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
*

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

:jars of clay, worlds apart:

Recent things and things to come

I'm feeling so wonderful!
My prayer is that the one infusion of Remicade that I've gotten will jump start me on my path to getting well :) I think it's a good possibility. I've got a dr.'s appt. next week, and am still awaiting the results of my MRI.

As far as all other things are concerned, I'm on Spring Break this week. Being home is lovely. However, I also have this strong desire to travel. Anywhere! I'm looking forward to our Senior trip in May- a cruise to Mexico. And our family trip to Florida the very next week! I can't say how excited I am to go back to my hometown. To see family, to hang at the beach, to get a Slurpee at 7-11... those things are priority for this particular trip.

Junior/ Senior is coming up as well. Let me tell you, I am incredibly excited about this, especially to sit back and relax, not being involved in the planning or organization in any capacity! :)

I'm about to head out to take Eavan to see Horton Hears A Who. So off I run.

remicade...

okay, so we did the remicade, and i was really excited about two weeks ago to start back with it again. i went into duke, was given large amounts of benadryl, prednisone, and tylenol to premedicate me before the infusion began so i wouldn't have a reaction like i have in the past, and fell right to sleep (thanks to the benadryl ha) as i got my infusion.
it takes a few hours, about four. so mom drove me home afterward, since i was still groggy :)
i went back to school two days later, since it was the weekend, and got caught up for the next weekend.
thursday rolled around, marking a week to the day of my remicade infusion, and i started breaking out in hives. i called my doctor since it was only getting worse, took some benadryl, and waited for a call back.
so i heard from audrey, my dr.'s nurse practitioner, who told me it was most likely related to the remicade (not what i wanted to hear...) i stayed on the benadryl for the next few days and started getting some really bad joint pain, especially in my jaw.
so dr. poleski called me a couple days ago and told me that there will be no more remicade for me, because if we were to do another infusion i could possibly even go into anaphylectic shock. (i'm sure i butchered the spelling there)
now the plan is to go back to humira, but to do the shots every week instead of bi-weekly, and to add methotrexate to the mix. so we'll see how that goes.

on a positive note, i'm feeling superb lately. which is kind of annoying because the reason for that is probably the remicade, which i can't have any more of. sigh.

but as i was complaining about this to my mom, she told me that maybe it isn't just the remicade, maybe the Lord is making me better and i shouldn't write Him off and automatically give the med the credit.

so i have an mri on tuesday to check on things. i think we'll see good results :)

right now i'm on spring break and it's incredible. i love just being home, and getting work done and errands done. there will be much of that.

update

so i was able to return to school this semester after taking last semester off, and was feeling great until i started tapering off the prednisone again. i seriously love and hate that drug. and i can never seem to get below 10mg without starting to get sick again.
this helped us come to the conclusion that the humira hasn't really been doing its job, and i've been feeling well thanks solely to the pred.
soooo we're trying remicade, which is given by infusion. so i've been home most of this week seeing my doc and getting my first remicade infusion.
i'm really hoping this works again. i was on remicade about 5 years ago and it was a huge help...until i switched doctors and he decided to take me off of it because he thought it was too risky.
so this year after everything that happened over the summer, i switched docs again, am back at duke, and my wonderful team of doctors there want to try remicade again. praying for remission again!! it's been a while, and i'd love to be back at that place without being on prednisone.
so there's that. hope everyone is well. :)

old but good

so recently i went and read through some of my old posts on xanga, which i never use anymore. there was some interesting stuff, and one post i came across was the best read of all.
it was a good reminder for me, and no less true now than it was then. so i've decided to repost it. enjoy:

"all right. here it is. only it may not be as long and intelligent as i'd hoped and planned. mainly because i'm more distracted tonight than i'd anticipated. but i have decided to write an entry in response to kyle's post on us girls. which i was very thankful to read.
ok, here's a nice beginning: guys are jerks. girls, admit it. you've made that statement maybe a million times. either we've been hurt, disappointed, or even disgusted by a guy, and we come to that exact conclusion. we expect them to live up to our expectations of a handsome prince, or at least a knight in shining armor, ready to sweep us off our feet. but is that an impossible expectation? do we aim too high in our search for manhood? i think NOT. never settle, girls. never settle. but there's another question to be asked: when guys fail to meet the expectations we have for them, why have they failed? is it their own fault? sure it is. but i think that society should take much of the blame for it as well. and so should we. yes girls, some of it is our fault too. we may want a prince, but sometimes we treat men as much less than the godly leaders they are designed by God to be. we disrespect them by our behavior (flirting), our immodest dress, our condescending ways/speech, our lack of acceptance of their leadership, and many other ways as well. these are brothers in Christ, and i know that there are those out there who desire to honor Him and in turn honor women, but we should at least do our best to make it easier on them. we could pay more attention to dressing modestly and guarding their hearts, their thoughts. we could encourage them when they are gentlemen- a guy who opens the door open for you should be complimented and appreciated. the more we build them up, the more they rise up to a role as godly leaders, right? as for society's role in destroying masculinity, do i even need to go there?? i'm not going to suggest you run and read wild at heart or anything crazy (and distorted) like that, but i will say that manhood has been completely lost amongst the acceptance of homesexuality, feminism, and the like. the roles have been blurred. (and this is where the family begins to crumble, but we can discuss that at a later date.) feminism is the biggest to blame, i think. if men are weaker today than they ever were, it is because they have allowed women to barge in and adopt the leadership role as theirs. so many women today are stronger than men, in conversation, in assertiveness, in the business world, etc. if a guy does not step up or initiate in a situation where he should be doing just that, the last thing a girl should do is take over. that happens way too much. and it's painful. girls need to give guys room to be leaders. they are completely capable. if we want their respect, let's give them theirs. i know that there are true men out there, who, if given the opportunity, will lead with vigor, and strive for godliness. guys really can be jerks. society tells us to accept that fact, that all they want is sex, that they cheat on their wives and read playboy and then go out with their friends to drink and brag about it all and that it is all OKAY. but we can expect so much more than men like this. guys, don't compromise. don't ever just accept the fact that society expects you to be a lazy, drunk, disrespectful door mat. there is much more to achieve. ladies, please don't forget to encourage the guys you know. they are your brothers in Christ. expect much of them, but do what you can to respect and help them out too.
so i'm just about done saying what i wanted to say. more than done. my thoughts seem very scattered to me, but maybe that's because i drove 45 minutes through a monsoon to church tonight and was pretty scared. or maybe because i have work tomorrow just before three girls come stay with us for ten days while they're here from omaha helping our church with vbs. either way, i hope what i've said or tried to say made some sense, maybe even struck a chord with you.

D.C.: Lloyd, why do you have to be like this?
Lloyd Dobler: 'Cause I'm a guy. I have pride.
Corey Flood: You're not a guy.
Lloyd Dobler: I am.
Corey Flood: No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy.
-say anything

and more importantly: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23"

2007!

I’m handing some awards out to my favorite things of 07:

Movies:

The Best:
Bella
Ratatouille
Amazing Grace
The Bourne Ultimatum
The Prestige

Biggest disappointment:
Spiderman 3

On DVD:
Stranger Than Fiction
Dreamgirls

Music:

Album released this year:
A Fine Frenzy: One Cell in the Sea
John Legend: Save Room

Rediscovered love:
Sixpence None the Richer: Sixpence None the Richer
Steely Dan: Aja
Jamiroquai: Dynamite

Song:
Copeland: Eat, Sleep, Repeat
Shiny Toy Guns: Le Disko
Paramore: Emergency
Rogue Wave: Lake Michigan

Favorite source of new music:
TV ads via adtunes.com
Friends (Greg, Glen, Karen, etc.)

Song most likely to get stuck in my head even though I hate it:
Feist: 1234
Rhianna: Umbrella

Music video:
Mute Math- Typical (duh)
Justice- D.A.N.C.E.
Paramore: Pressure

Live show:
All 7 or so Mute Math shows attended, but especially in ATL with Jonezetta
NC Jazz Festival with Boney James and Michael Franks

Talk radio host:
Clark Howard
Laura Ingraham

Best news of 2007:
Mute Math nominated for a Grammy

Literature:
Trusting God by Jerry Bridges
Amazing Grace in the Life of William Wilberforce by John Piper
The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 

TV show:
House
Flipping Out

* God is good. A year has not gone by without Him proving His infinite mercy and grace in my life. And this year is no exception. In fact, it was a masterpiece of His goodness. :)